Last year at this time I wrote
"2020 was the year it all broke down, and I think that was good for us. May 2021 be the year of new creations. It’s time for the beautiful new world.”
I’m slowly learning to appreciate my unquenchable idealism. Our current situation on Earth can be both catalytic for idealism, and also crushing. I choose catalytic. Most of the time.
2021 felt like earning it. Whatever IT is. All of IT. Working hard for every millimetre and gaining ground at very slow rate (or so my brain says). It was easy to think nothing was happening in the moment, no visible progress on goals for ages.
Alpine climbing can be like that. The summit is usually hidden and illusory, the climbing freakishly insecure, gear sketchy and runout, weather appalling, fitness lacking, screaming barfies at belay ledges untangling frozen ropes while hunkered in the path of unrelenting spindrift, whenever the summit appears, that’s not really it, always farther, higher, colder, darker. And yet, summits can be reached. And are.
This year I didn’t do any alpine climbing (a few sunny sport climbs by the sea maybe), but I look at my notes for this article and holy cow, it was a rich year. A perfect illustration of why I do this. Turns out alpine climbing can be good life training too.
Let’s start with the tick list, the thing that always makes me feel better about life. If you’re more interested in my sordid inner world than achievements, skip down a bit to the emergent themes section.
Infrastructure! No one finds infrastructure sexy and yet… we rolled out a major Learning Management System to host all of our online programs at NEI and sweet Jesus it sparkles! After 15 years of a patchwork system, the LMS is a radical jump in our ability to show up, hold a container, and deliver the goods.
Space - Completing the purchase of our house took over 9 months and the renovations about 11 so far. But we will have a proper home at some point and will soon be ready to start building out the studios and office. Start to finish in a year-ish might be slow by most standards, but in Croatia it’s light speed. This took fully 1/2 of our available bandwidth all year. I’ve been a tumbleweed since 1982, this is one of those changes that is so fundamental It may take me years to get a sense of the edges.
New Programs! At NEI we launched the first edition of Embodied Creators: Capacity, Monthly Taster workshops called A New Way of Seeing. We also ran another session of EC: Awareness and it was frankly amazing. The big tawakeaway? It works. The framework and curriculum are joyfully effective. Time to go public with it. The other takeaway? Neither of us are personally disposed toward self promotion. The struggle is real.
A group of Transformational Learning professionals I’m part of (the group that published the book Transformative Edge) met on the Island of Brac off the Dalmation coast. For most of us it was the first time we had gathered in a group in person since the beginning of the pandemic. I wrote about the Awkward Dances we did as we got used to being around humans again for a newsletter. This is a non-trivial reality for all of us humans, especially now that new variants and spikes are emerging. The water was divine, the food wonderful, the company amazing.
Venice Glass Week - Alysia and I made the pilgrimage and got a sweet taste of one of our motivations for moving here, It’s a 2 1/2 hour drive to Venice from Motovun. This was my first visit to the fabled city and it truly deserves its romantic reputation. To be in the epicenter of glass art and innovation for the last 1200 years was soul-deep inspiring.
We created and mostly delivered a steady stream of newsletters, meditations, social media posts and workshops all year. Probably 70% of what we planned which I think is the pandemic equivalent of a major win.
I was invited to speak at a major online conference, the Meridian University Integral Practitioners Convergence. It was a hoot and I met some terrific people. While online is not in person, Meridian did a great job of keeping it as human as possible.
Looking back on all that I see some themes emerging.
The Wall. 2021 was the year for No More. I ruthlessly guarded the gates of my attention, network and commitments. I said no to meetings, programs, travel, calls, purchases and anything that brought in more at the expense of THIS. This year I did my best to focus on what was truly enlivening and enheartening for me. Core commitments and that which brought greater contact with life and deeper relationship.
The things and people I passed up were at times heart breaking. I’d love to say it was intentional and graceful, but it wasn’t always. Sometimes my calendar, attention span and nervous system made the choice for me. Something larger is happening here, life is living me, through me, AS me. I’m not living it. Maybe this is the year the training wheels finally broke off.
Do the Work - Transformation has moments of wild catharsis, but then comes the laundry. For me, 2021 was a lot about the many layers of hard work necessary to reveal and live the dream. This isn’t just the outer work of writing newsletters, accounting, curriculum design, washing dishes. It’s also the inner work of facing one’s demons and continuing to choose a beautiful life and respect self and other even when it’s hard and painful and judgement rages. Of healing PTSD and choosing kindness in difficult interactions.
Darkness - It was a year of extremes internally. The shattering changes of the previous 2 years converged into a deep well of stunned depression and debilitating PTSD at a time when a high degree of my presence and participation was required in life and work. It wasn’t a good place.
I don’t think darkness is the enemy, it isn’t something to be fixed. For me it was an invitation into a deeper relationship with myself, my lineage and ultimately all of life.
The short version (the only one I’ll tell here) is, I made a choice and I did the work. 4 years of participation in a spiritual community led to a very simple shift that took 1/2 a second and will play out the rest of my life. Everything changed. A door opened that is allowing me to participate in all of life in a good way and at a level I’ve never experienced before. The darkness began to metabolize into something far more meaningful. The light poured in, inspiration bloomed, things that were stumbling blocks evaporated, energy for life and work rose intensely.
I won’t go into details here, it’s not the forum for it and I’m not even sure yet what to say, it’s so much larger than me. I mention it because all of us have these moments, when we are far past the end of our known path and are being called to something higher, something deeper. A way forward exists, it will emerge in right time. My suggestion is you pay attention in those moments, despite the pain and fear. The opportunity will speak and you then have a choice.
What is healing for one is healing for all.
Community - I’ve been hosting an ongoing group of medicine people that has gone through many iterations over the last 13 years and for the first time it took the form of a dedicated, consistent group this year. The same 7 of us meet online monthly and over the year have grown into a profound new understanding of ourselves and capacity to live our medicine.
I also stepped out of a community that wasn’t in alignment with my values and allowed another go quiet until it’s time, if it’s time. Both of these were very potent groups with some incredible beings involved, but truth matters more.
People - I’m getting a clearer sense of who my people are, and possibly even who I am in their reflection. I let go of some big relationships and had some of the quiet ones humble me with their love and appreciation. Amaze me with their creations. Honor me with their testaments.
Transformation - The things about facilitating transformation as one’s work is that transformation is not unidirectional. It’s not a clever device one can point toward a client (and away from oneself), and push the button to achieve an effect. It’s a living field.
Facilitators, guides and catalysts of transformation live life immersed in this field and we are constantly navigating the effects of it along with our clients. If you do this work yourself, either as the guide or the guided, you understand. It makes for a rich and intense life, but it also requires certain ways of living and making decisions that might not be understood by others. Criticised even. A lot of my coaching work is helping people understand this and create a more joyful, authentic and effective life. To bring a deeper truth into their life and work. Sometimes I need to be my own client too.
2021 had a lot of that transformational bleed-through, and in new ways that took some real soul searching and practice to meet within myself. Apparently I’m still a work in progress.
Purpose Matters. If you have a sense of your purpose it can carry you through the hard parts and help with decision making in a field of uncertainty. My own purpose, often taking the form of healer, catalyst, guide, champion, facilitator, writer, artist, chef, chai wallah, teacher, listener and representative is coming into greater clarity. Like tuning a crystal. Just like that.
Love and Intelligence - One serves the other, end of story. Can you guess which? For me and how I experience the world, intelligence is an expression of love, but love is the fundamental. I’ve never successfully been able to think my way to presence. This is something I’ve been circling around for decades and *might* be approaching.
Passings - Some giant trees fell this year, making more room for the saplings like us to root stronger. These are a few of the giants that mattered to me and informed who I am becoming. Friends, teachers, mentors, inspirations all. Deep bows my dears.
Malidoma Some
Anna Halprin
Stephen Sondheim
Vladomir Barbic
Visudha de los Santos
Conclusion
The wheel turns. The ending draws thankfully near and instead of rest, I see a new beginning. Taking a breath to reflect on some sort of organizing principle and inviting, nay, calling forth an evocation to carry me through the often dark forest of uncertain times and the word forgiveness lands in my lap like an anvil.
The die is cast, the gauntlet thrown. So it is.
Forgiveness.
Gratitude: Alysia Kampf. Still no words.
Also - Tenneson, Christine, Ashariel, Vlado, Tom and Maggie Lund, Julian and Dorothy Kampf, Carri, Cayla, Forest, James, Ridge, Clear, Mischa, Pino, Manuela, TJ, Karlo, Danijel, Marilyn, Jasenka, Annika, Spaceman, Bianca, Jason, Emil
